True Feelings
by CharlotteM
Summary: An alternative ending to the Pilot episode: 24 hours. Carol/Doug.


True Feelings

**This is what I think should have happened in the Pilot episode of ER. Please read and review.**

True Feelings

Carol was lying on her bed, pondering what to write. Never mind what to write, but who to write whatever she was going to write to. She ran over her options in her head: Mama, Doug, Susan or Tag.

None of them would feel that what she intended to do was worth it; even Carol had spent many months trying to forget, trying to move on, trying to persuade herself that it wasn't worth it. No. They definitely wouldn't understand.

She had a good life and she knew it. The people who surrounded her cared a lot for her. She had a good job, a nice apartment and a fantastic boyfriend. But it was too much. Carol had begun to feel suffocated by the people and the pressure.

Head Nurse would never be an easy job. She had known that when she applied. Actually getting the job was a shock, but she had been pleased. All her life she had been ambitious, trying to be the best. Not that that had ever affected her judgement or popularity, but was never satisfied when she could be better. She relished in responsibility and was a brilliant boss: listening to her staff and acting on their behalves.

No, it wasn't the job in itself. It was the extra stuff: the things that come with management. And that's what they didn't understand. Because she was Head Nurse, people like Morgenstern piled on the pressure: he expected her to be capable of superhuman things, and was telling her to be something she wasn't. She resented herself for succumbing to his requests of essay style homeworks – similar to what she used to get in school – as well as her demanding extra shifts.

However, although she would have liked to place the entire blame on work, it wasn't the truth.

Her home life was perfect in everyone's view apart from her's. She knew she was lucky. All her numerous friends were envious of the life lead by Carol Hathaway. Behind the curtain though, things were dark, depressing and downright confusing.

Tag was wonderful. He was romantic, loving and as gorgeous as the stuff of legends. And he actually cared about her. That was the problem. Carol often got the feeling he was too overprotective: when she was working, he was always coming down to the ER to check on her and he was too considerate of her feelings to the point of it being irritating. Insecurity was the root of his actions, and Carol realised that it was stemmed from her closeness to her ex-boyfriend Doug.

In a way, his insecurity was well felt. Carol was close to Doug. They had dated for two years and had remained friends after their amicable separation. That was another problem invisible from the outside. It was the most important problem which was the main cause of her future actions.

She was still in love with him. With all her heart, she loved him. He was oblivious to it, and so was everybody else, but she couldn't deny it. Neither could she tell anyone. And it was slowly ripping her heart to pieces.

So, lying on her bed, Carol realised that she couldn't put all her feelings into a letter. It was hard enough hurting people, adding the reason behind her actions would just cause more pain. That was the last thing she wanted.

She laid down her pen with a sigh, and stiffened as she heard her roommate coughing. As soon as the apartment was silent, she sat up and thought for a moment about what she was going to do, the repercussions of it and the effect it was going to have on those close to her.

Tears began to leak out of her eyes as she began to remember random memories that she would soon forget.

Flashback

It was Christmas Day and Carol was seven or eight. She was sitting cross-legged on the living room floor surrounded by brightly coloured wrapped presents. Her mother entered the room and Carol ran to her, wrapping her arms around her waist, gripping her tightly. Her mother attempted to prise her fingers apart but failing that, she started to tickle Carol. Falling to the floor, she remembers laughing so much she couldn't breathe. And she was happy. So happy.

End Flashback

Carol hadn't been that happy in ages. Years. Not since she and Doug had split. God. Anyone would think she was so sad, wallowing in self-pity over her ex-boyfriend. But it was true; her life had never been the same since.

She checked her alarm clock's luminous face. It was time. The apartment was quiet. Everything was ready.

Silently opening her bedroom door, she crept past her roommate's bedroom door to the bathroom. The medicine cupboard, to be precise.

In the bathroom, silvery moonlight slipped through the gaps in the blind, allowing Carol to locate the cupboard easily.

Its door was slightly open due to its broken catch, but it still squeaked when Carol gently opened it fully. In the silent flat, it seemed deafening and she stopped breathing, waiting for her roommate to wake up.

She waited for what seemed like an eternity before reaching into the cupboard and grabbing the two pill bottles at the front: she had placed them there earlier for easy access, with minimal noise.

Back in her bedroom she checked the labels. Both said in clear black letters, "Fast acting barbiturates. In case of accidental overdose, consult medical advice immediately."

She chuckled to herself as she carefully unscrewed one of the lids. "Yeah, right," she whispered to the darkness.

Tipping the bottle upside down, she poured about ten tablets into her open hand. She picked one up and placed it on her tongue. Picking up the glass of water she had placed on her bedroom table earlier, she whispered, "Cheers," before a knock on the front door caused her to instantaneously spit out the tablet and soak everything with water. The pills in her right hand flew into the air as she jumped with the shock of their unexpected visitor.

Straining her ears, she listened carefully to what her roommate was saying as she opened the front door.

"Hello?" she asked groggily to our visitor.

"Um, hi." A familiar voice answered and Carol could picture them standing in the doorway, awkward and unsure. "Sorry to bother you so late, but I need to speak to Carol. It can't wait."

"Err…" Now it was her turn to feel awkward as she said, "Yeah I suppose. Come in. Her bedroom's that one there."

They didn't bother knocking on her door before striding in, just as she didn't attempt to hide the wet sheets and pills scattered around the room.

Doug's brown eyes scanned the small room quickly, and despite the poor light, saw the pills and both bottles lying on her bed.

Feeling the need to explain but not knowing how, Carol kept quiet, not quite able to meet his eyes.

Doug took a deep breath before saying, "I had a dream. That's why I came. I was sleeping when these images came into my head of you. You were… You were …" His voice shook as he tried to make sense of the scene before him. "It was true. What I saw. You've killed yourself." He broke down and started sobbing loudly.

That carried on for a few minutes until Carol could bear it no longer. She stood up and hugged him tightly. "Shh. It's ok. I promise. It's gonna be ok."

He pushed her away suddenly as his tears stopped falling. "How many?" he asked, quietly.

"What?"

"How many!?" he screamed, before snatching the two bottles from the covers and checking their contents.

"None." Carol answered coolly, and then to his questioning look explained, "You interrupted me. I swear. But I'm glad you did. I need to tell you something."

Still speechless from her admittance of not taking any pills, Doug said nothing. Instead he sunk down onto the bed, head in his hands. It was wet, but he either didn't notice or didn't care. She carried on.

"I thought I could ignore it. But I can't. It's killing me." She sat next to him and took his hand in both of her's. "I love you."

He turned his head in amazement.

"That's funny, you see. 'Coz I've always loved you."

They both leaned in, and their lips met softly. And that's how they stayed. In a lover's embrace. Forever.

**Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed it and please help me by reviewing!**


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